Post-Valentine's Day Thoughts: Whose "House" Are You "Purchasing" ?

2011-02-24T20:42:00.000-08:00

I could tell Valentine's Day was around the corner because of the calls that I received on Sunday that started with: "Monique I know you consult me on business issues but I really need some advice on relationship stuff today."

In fact, there were several -- one client asked if mercury was in retrograde? Another asked why all these romantic issues had to be so difficult and painful.

"Love Stuff" was in the air on Sunday. I spent most of the day with clients on the phone discussing things in the romantic department. For clients who felt bad getting counsel on these issues, I told them, "Actually problems in the love department can block one's business and professional goals, derail them from their vision, and just end up completely frustrated both in love and in business."

By the end of the day it all boiled down to one particular theme that I would like to share with you.

I came up with the metaphor for finding a good, healthy, solid relationship: it is like buying a house. We will replace buying a house with buying the goods that this person is selling, which is this person's character, and their physical and emotional well being, etc. And instead of using dollars we will use TIME -- our time, the time we have left here on earth. Time is not replaceable.

My client "Susan" was upset that another relationship had not worked out. A guy that she had been dating broke up with her because he was still pining over an ex-girlfriend. And I said to her, "This is a perfect opportunity for growth, and in fact what you are seeing is really a reflection of you. In other words, you are just getting back in your life where YOU are. You are attracting guys who are exactly in the same place as you are."

We attract into our lives exactly where we are "at" and also what we believe we deserve. We can be the cause in the matter of our own lives and often have more power than we think.

I continued: "Listen to what you just said to me. You said, YOU are still pining over 'so and so' from a year ago. So it makes sense that this new guy just broke up with you because he is pining over his ex. He is just mirroring exactly where you are. So you need to clean up your energy and become clear with your past and where you are because you will attract things exactly at the level of what you are vibrating out. This in not woowoo - it is science."

The next step in this "house buying business" process is about commitment. I also observed the following and told her, "You are sitting on the fence about being committed. There is apart of you that wants to commit but the other part of you does not want to miss out on other opportunities. So you will attract in guys who are still into 'other opportunities' and are not willing to make a commitment yet."

So here is the key. I advised her, "You've got to make a decision on what you really want. Do you still want to keep dating or do you really want to get married?"

"Susan" just bought a beautiful condo and had been living in a tiny studio for four years where she didn't even have room to sneeze. I reminded her that she once told me she would never be in the position to move out of the studio.

I told her, "This is like when you decided to buy a condo. You committed to buying a condo. You looked until you found exactly what you were looking for. You did not go out one day, look around, and say, 'Oh, there is nothing out there, I will stay where I am .' It wasn't an option. You were ready to buy.

"You got clear about what you wanted, how much you could spend, where you wanted to be, the neighborhood, etc. You were really clear about it all. You did not go back and forth and say 'Yes I want to buy... no I don't want to buy.'

"You made a commitment that you no longer want to rent (date) that you started looking at places that were for sale. You did not go to places that were for rent when what you wanted to do was buy. That would not make sense."

I told her to follow this rule: You don't date people who are only "renting;" you date people who have the intention of "selling."

So you put it out there: I'm buying a condo. In this case, you want to get into a committed monogamous relationship that leads to marriage. I asked, "Are you sure? Is this what you really want now?" She said: "Yes, this is what I really want."

So, the next step would be to decide what type of house do you want. Do you want to buy a 3 bedroom 2 bath? or a 2 bedroom 1 bath etc. Do you want to live in the suburbs? City? Farm?

Make decisions on the type of house that you want first (make a list) and then go and visit that house (those dates). I would not see a farm house if what I really wanted was to live in the city.

Next, find out how much of a loan you are qualified for. So, you know how much you are able to invest. In the case of dating, how much are you willing to invest into this person? Which is way more valuable because you don't get that time back again.

So, I really need to look at how much time am I willing to spend in viewing this person ("house" that they are selling?). I need to keep in mind that I'm investing my time in this house. Is this the best investment of my 'time.'

So, again I need to be really clear with what I want first. And then I told her to ask herself: Am I willing to spend "time" on this house that this person is selling? In other words. Do I like what this person is selling?

If I walked into a house that had a potential for a mold problem -- I would not invest a nanosecond more in looking at this house. I would be out of there lickedy split. I'm allergic to mold. So, any "potentials" i.e.. "he has so much potential" buyer beware. :)

I pay attention to the red flags immediately and I don't hope that one day it will get better, and I don't think that maybe I can fix the problem etc.

Is this person really selling the house I want?

Or is this house to high of a price to pay? Will it be too big of a house to pay emotionally down the line? Will I be out of my spending budget (my emotional budget) will the cost be too high? Or is this house a wise investment and I will get tremendous benefit in the long run in all areas -- financially, emotionally, spiritually, etc.

Again the difference between the dollars and the time is that I never get the time back. I can't say, "Oh, I just spent a year with you, I will just go and 'make some more time.' I can make more dollars but I can not make more time."

So, I have to ask myself : Am I willing to "spend" my time and not get it back on the house that this person is selling?

To recap:

How do I want to live my life?

Do I want to date different people and travel the world? Be a stay at home mom etc?

What do I want to accomplish in my life? Do I want to be a mother of three? Save the world?

Make a list of the qualities I want in the other individual.

Develop those qualities in myself. For example, If I want someone who has integrity and is monogamous, I need to be the same. Be who I wanted to have reflected back to me.

Focus on what I want.

Don't think that something will be different down the line.

Be willing to let go.

Trust

Have fun!

To respond to this e-mail or if you have any questions please write to
monique@moniqueguild.com

Monique Guild

Post-Valentine's Day Thoughts: Whose "House" Are You "Purchasing" ?